Remembering The Past
by Chinesemoon
Summary: Remus Lupin ponders the past, present, and best friend he ever had after he dies. Will the death of Sirius Black affect Remus more than anyone knows?


Remembering The Past By Chinesemoon  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Really. I have no money, and if I did I would go out and buy some cool stuff. Oh well. Don't sue.  
  
Remus Lupin sat, hunched over, knees on the floor, in the Department of Mysteries. His hands were shaking, and his fists were clenched. How could something like this happen? He asked himself. How could it happen to Sirius? How??  
  
One lonely tear slipped regretfully down Remus's face. He whipped it away angrily. He bit his lip roughly to stop himself from screaming. Screaming and letting the inner wolf in him free. Letting it run wild and rip anything and everything apart. Perhaps into a thousand tiny pieces? Perhaps more. He felt like destroying something.  
  
How could Sirius be dead? How could it be possible. If he hadn't seen it himself, he wouldn't have believed it in the first place. Remus could still see Sirius, standing before him, laughing, joking, and grinning at him. That was the Sirius he knew. It was the Sirius he loved.  
  
He remembered when he first met him. It was their first year. Remus had been so deathly afraid of everything. Afraid someone would find out his secret, afraid he might hurt someone by mistake. He'd be locked away forever, he'd thought back then. He'd be branded a dangerous, foul creature and no one would ever want to be around him. No one would ever be his friend.  
  
That wasn't how fate saw it, however. That wasn't how Sirius Black saw it.  
  
He saw Sirius Black for the first time on the train ride to Hogwarts. He was sitting in a compartment with James Potter. They were talking and laughing. When Remus slid open the door, it was Sirius who insisted he join them. It was Sirius who befriended him first, and told James to do the same.  
  
Second year rolled around so quickly for Remus. James and Sirius made it their duty to hang around him. Sirius knew something was up, when Remus disappeared once or twice a month.  
  
He cornered Remus one day in their third year. Told Remus he knew what was happening. "I went to the Library and figured it out," Sirius had said at the time. "And I told James and Peter. We're becoming Animagis."  
  
He remembered those words so clearly. It had been Sirius's idea so learn to transform into animals. It had been Sirius's idea to go with Remus to the Shrieking Shack. It was Sirius—  
  
Remus slammed his fist violently on the floor of the Department of Mysteries. This wasn't Harry's fault. It wasn't. He wasn't going to blame Harry – he wasn't going to blame himself.  
  
He did anyway.  
  
Once the tears came, they didn't stop. They couldn't stop. Remus felt like falling down some endless black hole. Because now that Sirius was gone, he knew that would what his life was like anyway. He thought about jumping into the vail himself. Why not? His mind screamed at him. You're life is over now anyway!  
  
But no. He wouldn't do that. There were people who depended on him. There were things he had to do. He had to gone on! He had to...  
  
He couldn't though. He just couldn't do it. How could he make it without his best friend there? How? How dammit?!  
  
The beast inside Remus screamed to brake free. He felt like picking something up and hurling it as far as he could. He felt like crushing something, like hearing something brake under his fist.  
  
His mind wondered back to his 6th year. How well he remembered it now. He and Sirius became closer than ever. Ever Sirius himself couldn't deny that he was the closest to Remus. Closer then he was to James, even. That was the year James Potter met Lily Evens.  
  
Memories of their happy past floated in his head. Now where were they? Destroyed. Destroyed like his soul. Someone had come around to them and crushed their hopes and dreams, crushed their lives. Someone had crushed them.  
  
He was left! He was the only bloody one left! Why didn't they come and get him? Why didn't they kill him instead? Why didn't he go first? WHY WAS HE STILL HERE, DAMMIT?! WHY?!  
  
He like so many things right then. He felt like hurling. He felt like hurting someone – he felt like killing someone. Killing them for taking away Sirius. Killing them for taking someone he loved so much. Killing them, for killing him.  
  
Him. Why? Why him?  
  
He remembered all the times they had gone into the Forbidden Forest together. They had explored. They both laughed when they heard werewolves howl. It was fun to laugh at the things you secretly dreaded. He made it easy for Remus to laugh. He found he laughed a lot when he was with Sirius.  
  
He thought his life was over, but Sirius lifted him. Sirius had lifted all his hopes and dreams and held them up so high. Higher even than Remus could hold them himself. He felt that his life was going somewhere when Sirius was around.  
  
After Remus heard that Lily and James died, he searched all night for Sirius. He finally found him, sitting outside the Potter's house at Godrick's Hollow. He was crying. Crying more violently then Remus had ever heard him do so before that night. Tears were running down his face in streams.  
  
Remus would never forget the grief, sadness, and anger in Sirius Black's eyes the moment they made eye-contact. He had never seen Sirius look so crazed before. It was like he was possessed.  
  
Sirius saw Remus approach him. He stood up. Remus never took Sirius to be a weak person. In fact, he always found Sirius to be much strong than him; both in body and mind.  
  
For the first time, and not for the last, Sirius completely fell into Remus's embrace. He remembered standing there, outside Lily and James's burning house, holding Sirius like a young, scared child. He was shaking, they both were. Tears were flowing from both.  
  
"How did it happen, Sirius?" Remus asked, still hugging the other man. "How could this happen?"  
  
Sirius shook so bad in Remus's arms, the werewolf man, thought his friend would faint.  
  
"I don't know how it happened," Sirius had answered, looking up for the first time, into Remus's face. "It shouldn't have happened Remus. It just shouldn't have happened."  
  
Remus didn't know what he should say to that. He was so full of grief himself, he could barely keep himself standing. He could barely stop himself from falling to the ground and bringing Sirius crashing over him.  
  
Sirius's teeth chattered loudly, he seemed more scared them he'd ever been before. Remus would never forget the look of utter terror and fury combined together on Sirius's face that dreadful night. He would never forget the next words his old friend spoke to him.  
  
"It was him, Remus," Sirius said, his hands tightening on Remus's shoulder. He leaned closer to him. "It was him. I'll kill him, Remus! I will. He killed our friends. I'll kill him. Remus, you listen to me. You're like my brother. Whatever happens, I love you."  
  
Remus beat the floor with his fist harder than ever. He could no longer control his crying. He was sobbing so hard, his whole body was shaking on the floor. If anyone had come into the room at that moment, they could not have picked Remus off of the floor and set him onto his feet.  
  
So many years, they put Sirius in Azkaban. So many years, Remus thought about running into the island jail house and beating down Sirius's jail cell.  
  
Last year, in Harry's fourth year, Remus had walked in every kind of weather to see Sirius. Snow, rain, heat. You name it, Remus walk through it to Sirius tiny little cave. He never visited Harry. No. It was to dangerous.  
  
He wouldn't have anyway.  
  
But now? Now Sirius was dead. There was nothing left in life for Remus. He would remain, forever, until death, a walking corpse.  
  
Yes, he loved Sirius Black. He loved him, and now he was gone.  
  
Remus dragged himself up and stood. He stared at the vail. His mind was dull, his fingers were numb. What was the point? What the hell was the point?  
  
Life, Sirius's voice rang in his ears. Live your life as you were meant to.  
  
They were the words Sirius had said to Remus before they went into battle. How did he know?  
  
"I can't live without you Sirius!" Remus shouted to the room at large. He held back a sob. "I can't go on!"  
  
But he would. Why? Because it was what Sirius Black would have told him to do. It was what the friend he loved so much would tell him to do.  
  
So he would. Somehow, he would.  
  
FIN 


End file.
